Getting To Know Your Cities: Jackson, TN

The Jackson, TN official website describes the city in this way:

Located in the center of West Tennessee between Nashville and Memphis, Jackson welcomes its visitors with big city amenities and small town hospitality. Jackson is home to legendary Carl Perkins, Casey Jones Village, the Miss Tennessee Scholarship Pageant, The West Tenn Diamond Jaxx, the NAIA Division 1 Women’s National Championship basketball tournament, and much more.

Jackson and Madison County residents are drawn to the beautiful landscape, abundance of recreational opportunities and close proximity to great dining and shopping. Jackson is a vibrant city that serves as the retail hub for thirteen surrounding counties.

The Jackson/Madison County area is easy to promote because it has so much going for it.  A superb location, a labor force with a strong work ethic, an unmatched transportation system, and a community that offers full amenities all combine to make Jackson the perfect location for industry. 

Wow, Jackson sure sounds like a swell place to live and work and raise a family.  But is there more than meets the eye?  Let’s take a look. 

Official:
Located in the center of West Tennessee between Nashville and Memphis, Jackson welcomes its visitors with big city amenities and small town hospitality.

Translation:
Nestled in bumfuck West Tennessee along the I-40 corridor between Memphis, the nation’s fifth most dangerous city, and Nashville, the nation’s fakest, Jackson welcomes all those “visitors” from other parts of Madison County who never took birth control and/or wore a condom, but were talented enough athletes to go to Union University or Jackson Community College and become upstanding car audio technicians at Best Buy.

Official:
Jackson is home to legendary Carl Perkins, Casey Jones Village, the Miss Tennessee Scholarship Pageant, The West Tenn Diamond Jaxx, the NAIA Division 1 Women’s National Championship basketball tournament, and much more.

Translation:
Carl Perkins was a rockabilly pioneer, writing “Blue Suede Shoes” for Elvis as well as three popular Beatles’ songs no one has ever heard of since The Beatles suck so hard; the town built a convention center and named it after him — it recently hosted a Buckcherry concert, to which the entire populace attended just to hear the town’s newly-adopted anthem “Crazy Bitch.”  Casey Jones was a railroad engineer who collided with another train in Mississippi in 1900 — he was likely drunk, since after all, he did live in Jackson — and someone later immortalized him in a popular ballad for it.  The West Tennessee Diamond Jaxx are a double-A minor league baseball club affiliated with the Seattle Mariners, who overcharge for tickets and don’t serve beer, a great combination for success in professional sports.  There’s also some women’s shit thrown in for good measure.

The “and more” part specifically refers to hanging out at Chili’s during Happy Hour.

Official:
Jackson and Madison County residents are drawn to the beautiful landscape, abundance of recreational opportunities and close proximity to great dining and shopping. Jackson is a vibrant city that serves as the retail hub for thirteen surrounding counties.

Translation:
There are no lakes, no rivers, no greenways; recreational opportunities refers entirely to the abundance of coke and meth — I think all the cool kids actually call it “smack” and “ice,” respectively, so when in Rome — available; great dining refers to Outback, Chilis, Olive Garden, and Longhorn; great shopping refers to TJ MAxx and Kohl’s.  The fact that Jackson is a 13-county “hub” really speaks volumes towards the surrounding area (see the section on Walmart below).

Official:
The Jackson/Madison County area is easy to promote because it has so much going for it.  A superb location, a labor force with a strong work ethic, an unmatched transportation system, and a community that offers full amenities all combine to make Jackson the perfect location for industry.

Translation:
Jackson has the only Walmart between Memphis and Nashville; in North Carolina terms, this would be like having the only Bojangle’s in the Triangle on Western Boulevard.  For those that enjoy a featureless horizon in a landlocked state in a city that is 10 hours from the Gulf coast and seven hours from the Great Smokey Mountains, the location is superb.  The labor force’s strong work ethic isn’t phased by the high unemployment rate due to smack/ice habits.  Jackson is the perfect location for the chemical industry because manufacturers can pour their waste byproducts directly down the drain, or to be more efficient, directly into the sewers and/or creeks and no one would ever notice any difference.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch Transformers at the cash-only Cinema; I saw Live Free or Die Hard at said cinema yesterday and was extremely pleased with the sound-quality from the two boomboxes mounted on each side of the 56″ movie screen. 

For a North Carolina comparison city, see Worm’s future installment of “Getting To Know Your Cities: Rocky Mount, NC.”

 

 

Wednesday Random

 “Little Chris thought he’d never play at Littlejohn. To see him is to know why. Chris Poole, a former guard at Raleigh’s Broughton High, weighs 160 pounds and stands what he calls ‘a generous 5-9.'”

Now he’s a senior walk-on at Clemson, living his dream.  But what Poole does more than anything is stand as proof that State does not, indeed, have the market on short, slow white boys with no talent.

“Poole played point guard for the university’s intramural champion. His team went on win the South Carolina intramural title and reached the national final. Poole made the all-tournament team.

This summer, he worked out at Broughton’s gym with other Broughton graduates who knew ACC basketball. His mentor was Will Roach, a former N.C. State walk-on who earned a scholarship…[and] Braxton Albritton, a [current] State walk-on. Occasionally, Poole worked with [longtime Duke underachiever] Shavlik Randolph, his former Broughton teammate who’s now with the Philadelphia 76ers.”

What a remarkable story.  And to think, he could be playing significant minutes for the Pack this season.  How did we let this kid get out of Raleigh? 

Friday Afternoon Rant

Effective January 1st, our new company health insurance policy through Blue Cross Blue Shield of Tennessee went into effect.  Incidentally, the premiums went up.  The only real effect this had on me is that my paycheck is now a few dollars smaller than it was previously. 

Insurance is a racket, and consequently it is one of the many reasons why I’m not a democrat.  Let me ellaborate for those of you that could care less.

The basic socioeconomic principles of the democratic party are based entirely on socialism; there’s no dispute about that, right?  We all agree that democrats fundamentally believe that society as a whole has a duty to share the burden of individuals. 

Here’s why I have a problem with that.

Insurance has premiums and it has co-pays.  For a higher premium you can get a lower co-pay.  Group insurance policies all have standard co-pays and fairly standard tiered rates. 

My premium went up, although I haven’t been to a doctor in 10 years.  I don’t even have a doctor.  My co-pay remained the same.

Why do I have a problem with this?  Because I’m paying more for insurance that I do not use while taking some of the burden off of those people that visit their doctor every time they sneeze.  The co-pay doesn’t affect people like me, but the premium does.

Rising healthcare costs lead directly to rising insurance costs while premiums and co-pays offset these costs for insurers.  As a republican, I believe that instead of raising the premiums, the insurance companies should raise the co-pay.  In effect, this would ensure that the ones using the insurance handled the majority of the burden for their insurance costs rather than myself, a healthy young individual that hasn’t had any use for insurance since high school.   

I blame John Edwards and Jacob Crawford.

Tuesday Random

Random observations by someone who wasn’t there:

I feel a little better about myself when I see pictures of Worm’s fat ass.

Chic holding a budweiser.  I assume for Shawn.  “Merry Christmas from the family, ya’ll!”

Ashley getting the Coors Light.  That was truly an ingenious gift.

Gary, Shawn, Worm, and Jacob all in the same picture.  That’s a lot of chins.

Ben is smaller than Jacob.  Insert worn-out joke here.

Worm with all his “hoes.” 

Ben with the cut off sleeves.  I heard the story, but what I don’t see is the blood from Lizzy’s exploding head all over the white kitchen cabinets. 

Seventeen

“With a first-year quarterback playing, the Chargers have come back from 21- and 17-point deficits on the road to beat playoff teams in successive weeks. With Philip Rivers under center, San Diego has put up 49 points on Cincinnati and 35 on Denver and taken the mantel from Indianapolis as the game’s most exhilarating offense.”
Peter King, Sports Illustrated

Doc’s Week 11 Picks

I’m dedicating this week’s picks to my good friend Buck over at Statefans Nation.  My picks are in bold; the home team will be the one after the word “at,” just in case that is confusing for any of you.

Ohio state and Michigan play this week?!?!  Where have I been?  Why hasn’t there been any coverage of this?  Isn’t this like a really big game or something? 

Oakland at Kansas City (-10)
No way the Raiders cover two weeks in a row.

Indianapolis (-1.5) at Dallas
I know they had that huge win in Tempe last week, but Dallas can’t win two in a row and they won’t cover either.

Cincinnati at Saints (-3.5)
Brees & Co. should beware.  The Bengals faced FJ last week; after that, this game should be a Brees.  (I didn’t even force that either, just came to me.)

Pittsburgh (-3.5) at Cleveland
Since all the Cleveland fans will likely be dead or arrested after Saturday’s game in Columbus, the home field advantage won’t help much here. 

Tennessee at Philadelphia (-13)
Just keep throwing it to Stallworth, my new keeper!!  Eagles roll.

Atlanta at Baltimore (-4)
Looks like Ray Lewis is out, so Dunn might be able to run more effectively to set up the pass for the greatest QB in the history of football to complete 34% of his passes.

St Louis at Carolina (-6.5)
I’m weary of the Cats for a second straight week.  This pits two great WRs.  The Rams cover because it’s back to being all about Kasay.

Buffalo at Houston (-2)
A-Train!!!!  Unfortunately, it won’t be enough.

New England (-5.5) at Green Bay
No way Brady loses three in a row.  And since Farve had no INTs last week, he’s even more due for a handful. 

Washington at Tampa Bay (-3.5)
Campbell versus Gradkowski.  NFL excitement!

Chicago (-6.5) at Jets
Ok, Ben.  I’m listening to you.

Minnesota at Miami (-3.5)
Oh, the drama.  A once dominant QB in Minneapolis is now the washed-up backup in Miami…  There’s a 15-minute segment for NFL Countdown in here somewhere.  I really hope Stu Scott does it, too.   

Detroit at Arizona (-3.5)
Um…listen, I’m in a playoff race in ESPN.  I have Boldin and Edge.  Yes, I know I’m an idiot, that’s beside the point.  This is a good week for those two to help me out.  But I know that won’t happen, so Lions roll. 

Seattle (-4.5) at San Francisco
NFC West football.  Outstanding. 

San Diego at Denver (-2.5)
Did you ever know that you’re my Hero/And everything I would like to be/something something something/You are the wind beneath my wings.

Giants at Jacksonville (-3.5)
Fuck Brandon Jacobs.  Giants recover as Jax continues to slip.

The fantasy spin…Week 10

Baltimore (-7) at Tennessee
Here’s to Matt Stover; without him I’d likely be 2-7 instead of 4-5 (ESPN). Ravens’ D covers on its own.

Buffalo at Indianapolis (-12.5)
McGahee was doomed the minute I accepted that trade (Yahoo). If only Musberger could call this one. “Touchdown A-Train!!” My Bills cover. Seriously.

Chicago at N.Y. Giants (Pick ‘em)
Giants D: Welcome back, Rex Grossman (Yahoo).

Cleveland at Atlanta (-8.5)
Give the ball to Warrick Dunn, please (ESPN). Browns cover.

Green Bay at Minnesota (-5.5)
Donald Driver (Yahoo). But then again, Farve is due for a 3 INT game.

Houston at Jacksonville (-10.5)
Poor David Garrard.

Kansas City (-1) at Miami
Seriously, I had Huard (Yahoo) for Peyton’s bye week…he had -2. Imagine that. LJ will be too much.

New Orleans at Pittsburgh (-4.5)
Joe Horn is out, of course (Yahoo). I’m not picking against Nawlins anymore this year.

N.Y. Jets at New England (10.5)
Seriously, I added Brunell to “shore up” my QB spot, so luckily I don’t have to start Pennington (ESPN)

San Diego (-1.5) at Cincinnati
These QBs were both under the tutaledge of Norm Chow. One is the Messiah. The other I have a much lesser opinion of (Yahoo).

San Francisco at Detroit (-6)
Really wish I had the NFL Sunday Ticket for this one.

Washington at Philadelphia (-7)
Stallworth is back (Yahoo). Like it matters.

Denver (-9) at Oakland
Seriously?

Dallas (-7) at Arizona
I have Boldin and Edge (ESPN); good thing I’m not vested in the Cardinals’ offense or anything that ridiculous.

St. Louis at Seattle (-3.5)
Wilkins FG, FG, FG, FG, FG, FG, FG…that’d be nice (Yahoo)

Tampa Bay at Carolina (-9)
Here’s to Joey Galloway having three TDs (Yahoo) and the Cats winning 34-24. Correction, 34 isn’t divisible by 3, so this actually won’t work out well for me.

Checking in Week 9

Because Ben is a slack ass…

Grading Slim:

St Louis -2 over Kansas City  (0-1-0)
APB on Torry Holt.

Cincinnati +3 over Baltimore  (1-1-0)
Palmer is the starting QB of a certain 2-7 fantasy team; you should know better.

NY Giants -13 over Houston  (1-2-0)
Mario with the fade away!! 

Jacksonville -10 over Tennessee (2-2-0)
I’ve hated Garrard since 1999. 

Dallas -3 over Washington   (2-2-1)
Bonehead personal foul and good hustle pushed this one.

Green Bay +3.5 over Buffalo   (2-3-1)
Imagine that: McGahee out indefinitely.  Bet you can’t guess who has him.

New Orleans -1 over Tampa   (2-4-1)
When will people quit picking against Nawlins?

Detroit +5.5 over Atlanta   (3-4-1)
Vick is obviously the greatest QB ever.  Tremendous knee control. 

Chicago -13.5 over Miami   (3-5-1)
Dude in our actually office got this one right in a vendor pool (he forgot to fill out his form and in that case, it defaults to the visiting team as the pick)

San Francisco +5 over Minnesota  (4-5-1)
Has anyone else noticed that the Scandinavians left the bitter cold climate for a more bitter cold climate? 

San Diego -12.5 over Cleveland  (4-6-1)
If the Bolts either lose or don’t cover, Football Jesus has His reasons and who are we, mere mortals, to question Him?

Denver +3 over Pittsburgh   (4-7-1)
I hope they run that sorry-assed bum Cowher out of Pittsburgh; what a loser.

Indy +3 over New England   (4-8-1)
That’s it, pick against Peyton before Thanksgiving.

Seattle -7 over Oakland   (5-8-1)
I think -7 was the Nielson Rating on this one.

Locks of the Week: Take the Cowboys, Giants, and the Chargers
Wrong.  Wrong.  Wrong. 

Season: 54-71-5

Grading Xiang Cha Pang Wa:

Chiefs at Rams (-2.5)   (1-0-0)

Bungals (+3) at Ravens   (2-0-0)

Giants (-13) at Texans   (2-1-0)

Titans (+9.5) at Jags   (3-1-0)

Cowgirls (-3) at Skins   (3-1-1)

Packers (+3) at Bills   (3-2-1)

Ain’ts (-1) at Bucs   (4-2-1)

Lions (+5.5) at Falcons   (4-3-1)

Bears (-13.5) at Dolphines  (5-3-1)

Vikings at 49ers (+5)   (6-3-1)

Browns at Bolts (-12.5)   (6-4-1)

Broncos at Steelers (-3)  (7-4-1)

Colts (+3) at Pats   (7-5-1)

Raiders (+7.5) at Seahawks  (7-6-1)

I couldn’t find the Mandarin keys on my keyboard, so I was unable to comment on any of these. 

Alvin beat Worm.