TNL Countdown to Football, Part 6

Issue 6 was invariably lost, which is a real shame because I remember it being a tribute to Cash, who we found out died the morning of the Ohio State game, when most of us watched that game on the big screen in Jemily’s clubhouse; that was a fun day; I remember being totally exhausted that weekend after flying in late Friday from Biloxi and knowing I had to drive to Raleigh so I could fly back out the following morning, and we were in Stool Pigeons around 10 or so that night and Gary and I were both dozing…that might have been the exact moment we were officially old.    

The Doug Christie issue.  I remember Jacob was helping me move from Spartanburg to Gastonia, and right before he put the master lock on upside down, effectively locking us out of the U-Haul until we found a hammer big enough to beat that thing off, he had this incredible idea (in response to Ben missing the Western game, which had then yet to happen): “We’re buying Ben a Doug Christie jersey.”  There was no turning back once that fantastic idea had been proposed.

It led to this…

The TAILGATING NEWSLETTER
“We only ask because we care.”
VOLUME 1, Issue 7
SEPTEMBER 25, 2003
Gastonia

IT WAS A MAGNIFICENT Homecoming Saturday, one for the ages in grand ole Raleigh, home of our beloved Wolfpack – and, well, Shawn and Lauren and Ben and Lizzy and Matt and one day, again, me.  Anyway, Isabel had reared her ugliness throughout the Old North State just a few days earlier, but in her wake she left a sweltering yet serene atmosphere for football and tailgating; friends and laughter; moving the chains and “woo-woo-woo-wooing.”  The morning began, of course, with the obligatory Bo-Bo’s breakfast and soon led to some unusually-responsible beer-drinking and a downright unforgettable award ceremony for one of our members. 

After the tailgating festivities, we were treated by #17 and Co. to a relentless spanking of Lubbock’s Finest – although at last check, it appears the Pack D is still surrendering passing yards to Symons, who just surpassed 2,200 yards on 156-for-221 passing; the Red Raiders have scored again to close the Wolfpack lead to 224-35.

After the game, the tailgating festivities moved to Ben’s house in the swanky Lake Pine Drive area of Cary, where Ben served his party guests cheeseburgers and hotdogs; he generously allowed them to bring their own beverages.

Once there, the guests chose sides in the Georgia/LSU game and it turned into a very heated fourth quarter; one in which Lucas at one time berated Jacob with a stirring rendition of the Georgia fight song (Glory, Glory Hallelujah) after the Dawgs scored on a 93-yard TD pass to tie the Bayou Bengals late in the game.

Although LSU eventually won, Jacob was unable to counter with the Tigers’ fight song, which was a victory in itself to Lucas, who prides himself in his vast knowledge of college fight songs.

It’s a wonder he’s still single, isn’t it…

THEY SAID IT: STEVE EDWARDS QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“…Except for Ben – he drinks that wussy beer.”

TNL EXCLUSIVE: BEN’S ‘WHOOPEDNESS’ AWARDED

Ben looks on in anticipation as Matt presents him with the Doug Christie jersey.  “Today, I consider myself the luckiest man alive,” Ben said, fighting back tears in an emotional acceptance speech.

IN A LAUGHTER-FILLED and emotional ceremony Saturday morning in the parking lot behind the RBC Center, Ben was presented with the inaugural Doug Christie jersey.  The Tailgating President and CEO, R.L. Bentley, III, MD, PhD, delivered a heartfelt speech as Matt Edwards had the distinguished honor of presenting Ben with the jersey.  In the speech, President Bentley alluded to Ben’s “whoopedness” and how Lizzy has so successfully “revoked [his] decision-making abilities.”

Ben was nearly driven to tears in anticipation as he accepted this award; he was almost reluctant to don the jersey at first, but eventually relented and proudly modeled the jersey for all in attendance to see.

“Today, I consider myself the luckiest man alive,” Ben said, fighting back tears in his emotional acceptance speech.  “I’d like to first of all thank the owner of my leash and girlfriend, Elizabeth, without out whom none of this would be possible.”

Ben, from all of us at TNL, we want you to know we were laughing at you and not with you.

THE “I’M COOL BECAUSE I CAN DRINK A TON” AWARD
So, Lizzy and I are on the deck Saturday evening discussing Ben’s temper and The Other Shawn comes out to smoke a cigarette.  Anyway, Lizzy and I were essentially discussing how lame we both are and how we both feel so old; we agree that we can’t drink like we used to. 

So this cat chides in and informs us of just how much he can drink.  “I can’t drink enough that I can’t drive.  I can always drink myself sober.”

Just for clarity, he said “I can always drink myself sober.” 

Well I’ll be a son of a bitch, all these years the experts have said that cold showers and coffee won’t sober you up; only time will.  And here he up and disproves this for the ridiculous theory that it obviously is; all these years we could have been drinking ourselves sober.  1998 would have been so much different had we known this (although, I am quite certain most of us probably tried this at least a few times).

But then he expounds on just how much he can drink: Apparently, he got a fifth of Jim Beam for his birthday this year, and when challenged, he turned that fifth up and drained it in 15 seconds.  15 seconds!  For those of you wondering, a fifth will fill up a 20-ounce Coke bottle with a little to spare. 

“I was so shitty I fell off the cooler…but three hours later I was ready to go to the Longbranch.”

FANTASY FOOTBALL
The Killer Millers (2-1), who have won two straight despite having what some have termed an inferior lineup, stormed out of the gates this weekend, easily defeating No-No-Notorious (1-2) 112-88 in a high-scoring affair. 

The Pocket Rockets (2-1) were flaccid early, but soon stiffened up and found a way to hold off The Infamous Tracy’s Belmont Playboys 95-89, handing them their first loss of the season.

“Playoffs?!?!  Playoffs?!?!” Coach Worm responded after the Pocket Rockets second straight sub-100-point weekend.

In this week’s pillow fight, Pimpin aint EZ (1-2) found the win column for the first time by defeating Allyour$20belongtome (1-2) 78-72.  Coach Matt Edwards was quoted after the game as saying that “his team would have the most points with the worst record.”  Hey, stats are for losers, Coach.

In the final game of the weekend, the Jive Turkeys (1-2) struggled again, losing to the Wolflovers (2-1) 107-78.  This second straight week of futility and lack of offensive performance prompted Coach Shawn Williams to make some changes in his roster for next week.

“I needed to get some new blood in there with my poor point production,” a disappointed Williams said in a terse press conference following this weekend’s game.

“I think [he] just offended the word ‘poor,’” Pocket Rockets coach Worm was quoted in response to Williams’ press conference. 

BEN VERSUS WORM: WEEK 3
WORM 317
BEN 291

Ben lost ground on Worm in Week 3, falling to 25 points behind.  TNL will continue to track this side bet as it develops.

COME O’ER THE HILL CAROLINE
Did you know that Johnny “The Mouth” Bunting “almost won the Division-III championship at Glassboro State”?  (FYI, TNL discovered that the former Glassboro State is now known as Rowan University and is located in New Jersey).

“Anyone that says Coach Bunting isn’t one of the best college coaches in the nation is only fooling themselves!”

The Pack prepares this week for the always-intense rivalry match-up with the Heels.  The dominant C.J. Stephens, Darkhorse Heisman candidate Darian Durant, and Rabbit will bring the nation’s 108th ranked rushing defense to Carter-Finley looking for their first victory.

Seriously, ya’ll, if you haven’t visited johnbunting.com yet, what are you waiting for? 
 
NEWS AND NOTES
Tailgating festivities will commence at 8am Saturday morning.  The menu will include shrimp, potatoes, corn-on-the-cob, and possibly hushpuppies.  A grill will also be available for cooking burgers and/or dogs for those weirdos that don’t eat shrimp.  Losers.

Gashley will grace us with their presence on Saturday, which will perpetually trigger countless stories of the glory days of Freshman Gary – for the record, Freshman Gary lasted from 1997 to somewhere around 2001, when he reprehensibly settled down and became a responsible homeowner and fiancé; reprehensible, I know.

And for those of you that don’t know Lincoln County’s Steven Wilkes…well, you’re in for quite a treat.  No words I write could possibly do justice to just how unique this cat is.

See you Saturday.

R. L.